This post is about me. Just me.
Not Danny – Why? Because I can’t begin to speak for him. Hmmm. Maybe I’ll ask him to write a “guest blog” for me sometime soon….great idea!
As Danny and I continued to struggle, my mind began to wonder if I’d married the wrong man. I mean, what if I’d missed it? We’d gotten so much help at our church, yet things were still wrong. What if I made a mistake? What if I should’ve waited, rather than getting married so quickly? What if I missed Mr. Right?? And what if I got Mr. Wrong?? Then what?
We were both so frustrated with each other. I began to rehearse our arguments – after all, they always boiled down to the same thing. I could’ve written a script. It was as if I had a VCR tape (I know, I know. I wish I could say DVD, but folks, it was a VCR!!) playing over and over in my head. A video tape that played each fight. When I laid my head down at night, it was as if that tape was automatically pushed into the player. And I could.not.turn.it.off. I couldn’t do it. It played over and over all night. Most every night.
I not only reviewed every harsh word that was spoken, but also the emotions involved. I was dying inside and we were climbing right back into that hamster wheel. I felt so hopeless and of course, we continued to fight – providing more “tapes for my player”. Soon I dreaded coming home from work. I would drive into the driveway, push the garage door opener and if Danny was already home, my heart would sink. When I went out of town to a conference, retreat, or girls weekend I wouldn’t want to come home. I hated my feelings but couldn’t seem to get them to change.It’s so hard not to rehearse hurts, traumas, injustices done to us. Sometimes it can seem impossible to turn off that video tape. Before long, there is such a case built up that freedom is seemingly out of the question. A dear friend of mine used to call it “the crazies”. I felt like I was hopelessly trapped with no way out.
Those tapes don’t play in my head anymore. I don’t run in the wheel, or at least not long! I broke that cycle. There truly is hope, always. Trust me when I say that whatever it is that you cannot seem to shake – there is victory. You can stop the cycle, no matter what the other person does. Watch for my next post! I pray that with each piece of our story, you’re encouraged to face your own crazies and take ’em down.